A taxing situation

A lot of people have become seriously irritated in our area lately. By “seriously irritated,” I mean really steamed as in, “I was so ticked off, why, I had half a mind to write a letter to the editor. Somebody has to tell it like it is.”

Yikes. That’s about as huffy as folks hereabouts become.

What is it that’s capable of arousing such a high level of ire in such a normally calm and low-key populace? Two things, actually: schools and taxes. At the heart of this controversy is the fact that some folks want more money for schools, something that can only be done by increasing real estate taxes. Landowners, on the other hand, are vehemently arguing that real estate taxes are already much too high.

That type of controversy is precisely why you could never, ever, pay me enough to serve on a school board.

I would be a lousy school board member anyway. For instance, if I were a school boarder, a parent might buttonhole me and proceed to harangue me about how we need to be constantly thinking about our youngsters’ futures.

“Today’s children are going to spend their entire lives competing in the global marketplace,” the parent might exclaim. “We can’t afford to scrimp on our kids’ education.”

As a parent, I would agree. “You are absolutely right.” I would reply. “Our children deserve nothing less than the best education that we can give them.”

Later, I might be waylaid by a landowner. “What’s up with that bloated and wasteful school budget?” he would demand. “Shouldn’t the school have to cut back on some of its expenses just like we landowners have been forced to do?”

As a landowner, I would agree. “You are absolutely right,” I would reply. “I’ve yet to hear anyone complain that their real estate taxes are too low.”

Yeesh. Such a conundrum. School board members nowadays need the wisdom of Solomon. Me? I would probably just ask Judge Judy to sit in for me whenever the board holds a meeting.

Ho0wever, there is a solution to this predicament that has been overlooked, a solution that will give our kids a top-notch educational experience and reduce the onerous burden that’s currently being borne by taxpayers.

It’s quite simple, really: With the economy chugging along at full throttle and with corporate profits routinely soaring well past the stratosphere, some of those mega-huge corporations no doubt have tons of money lying around, money that could be used to bankroll a program we’ll call “Dual Operated Pre-consumer Education” or DOPE for short.

DOPE would be an unequivocal “win-win” situation. As with those magnificent corporate-partnered sports facilities, our schools could be transformed into shining icons of America’s financial and industrial might. Educators would gain access to all the funding they could ever dream of, and in return, Corporate America would gain access to a young and malleable captive audience.

As one might expect, DOPE might cause a few tiny changes in the school’s curriculum:

“Settle down, class,” a third-grade teacher might say. “Open your Microsoft math books to page 47. Jimmy, will you read problem number four aloud for us?”

Jimmy squirms a bit and begins to read. “Um ... Ned’s Walmart megastore sells delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola. If Ned nets $2.87 per case of Coca-Cola, how much product will he have to move in order to purchase America’s premier luxury SUV, the Cadillac Escalade-V, which has an MSRP of $173,895?”

Little Sally instantly raises her hand. “Mrs. Appleby? It doesn’t say whether Ned’s profits are pre-tax or not.”

“Very good, Sally. That was indeed a trick question. The correct answer is that Ned will have to consult with the friendly folks at TurboTax. Now let’s review our history lesson. What important message did the patriot Paul Revere share with his fellow colonists during his famous midnight ride April 18, 1775? Chad?”

“Domino’s delivers.”

“That’s correct. And what kind of horse did he ride and how do we know that? Emily?”

“His horsey was a John Deere, and we know that because nothing runs like a Deere.”

“Excellent. OK class, it’s almost lunch time. Put away your books and form a line for the McDonald’s Corporate Fun Time Cafeteria. There will be no gym class today because the school’s Nike Sports Arena is installing a new indoor track. You will instead go to the Verizon IMAX Theater and view a selection of classic YouTube Superbowl commercials. Now, get out your American Express lunch cards and ... What is it, Trevor?”

“Um, I forgot my lunch card.”

“How many times do you have to hear this, Trevor? Never leave home without it.”

Jerry Nelson is a recovering dairy farmer from Volga, South Dakota. He and his wife, Julie, have two sons and live on the farm where Jerry’s great-grandfather homesteaded over 110 years ago. Feel free to email him at jerry.n@dairystar.com.